


Oh, What If?

by KittyCatriona (War_Worn_Lipstick)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Reality, Anxiety, It's quite sad, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Swearing, not as in "this is an au" but as in i screw with alternate realities a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-23
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-26 10:30:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9890270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/War_Worn_Lipstick/pseuds/KittyCatriona
Summary: Phil brings home a girl, forcing Dan to make some choices. The problem is, Dan is bad at making choices.(A rewrite ofthis fic.)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Universe (The Moment the Second Splits)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7153607) by [KittyCatriona (War_Worn_Lipstick)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/War_Worn_Lipstick/pseuds/KittyCatriona). 



> This is a rewrite of a fic I wrote a while ago, called [Universe (The Moment the Second Splits),](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7153607) which I was proud of certain parts of but embarrassed by some others. I'm leaving it there because I like reading old comments, but there's no reason to read it if you're reading this (superior) version. And if you've already read the other, there are only a few minor stylistic tweaks here and there, so it's probably not too necessary to reread, although I did also change the ending.

**One**

_Dan Howell likes Phil Lester a lot,_ but he cannot for the life of him tell if Phil Lester likes him a lot back. If he did know, though—if he knew with absolute certainty that Phil liked him a lot—he would act. Actually, no—if he knew with absolute certainty that Phil did _not_ like him a lot, he would act. He would leave, and he would leave without guilt. No, guilt isn’t quite the right word. He would leave without “what ifs.” There you go.

Dan’s life is just filled with What Ifs—one, two, three, four, it’s a list that seems finite for its tidiness but is actually infinite—and he’s sick of it, but he’s also not ready to do anything about it. He’s sleepy, anxious, passive. He prefers to be talked to rather than talk, be texted rather than text, be propositioned rather than proposition. So What If he’s lost a few friends along the way? No big deal. There are more friends out there. 

Phil has been Dan’s friend for a long while now—years really—since the time Dan sought Phil out on Twitter and forged a relationship out of pitiful jokes and cringeworthy emoticons—but it’s not enough for Dan. He’s grown tired of pining, of sitting around and wanting, and he figures it’s time to move forward or move out. The dilemma, though: How to decide which? 

At this point Dan wishes he could say he “devised a plan,” but he didn’t, because, you know, sleepy, anxious, passive. Lucky for him, though, the universe decides to work in his favor. 

**Two**

_Phil brings a girl home_ and her name is Sarah and she’s pretty and blonde and small and basically everything that Dan is not and Dan feels like screaming and tearing his hair out and ripping off all of his clothes and throwing himself off a rooftop. Instead, he starts to pack his bags. He wonders if he should tell Phil what’s up or if he should just leave. 

He’s halfway through folding his t-shirts into a suitcase when there’s a scream. Dan blinks and looks up, staring straight toward Phil’s room as though he can see through the wall. 

“Are you kidding me?” Sarah is yelling, and Phil is apologizing.

“I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it!” he’s saying. 

Sarah goes on. “Eight months, Philip,” she says. “We’ve been together for eight months.” 

Dan blinks again because he didn’t know that. He’d thought Sarah was a fling. 

“And this is what you’ve been thinking about?”

“No!” Phil cries. There’s a door slamming and then footsteps in the hall. The door is thrown open again only a second or two later and Dan keeps listening as Phil follows Sarah out of his bedroom. “It isn’t like that!”

“That’s why you never let me meet him, isn’t it?”

Dan frowns.

“Sarah, no. Please listen to me.”

“I listened, Philip. I listened and I understand now.” 

“Please,” Phil says one last time.   
 As Dan exits his room, curiosity peaked, Sarah is going down the stairs. “I’m leaving,” she says, and then she’s gone. 

Phil is a heap on the ground at the top of the steps when Dan finally reaches him. 

“Phil,” Dan says, kneeling beside him. “What happened? Is everything okay?”

“Obviously not,” Phil sniffs. Dan notes the tears streaming down Phil’s face with a twinge of pleasure he knows he should feel ashamed of. “She—I—”

Dan tucks his arm around Phil’s shoulders and drags him close. “No stress, mate,” he says as he quietly smells Phil’s hair. He wishes he could pinpoint the smell, like, is it coffee? Cinnamon? Peppermint? Green apple? No, none of those things, really, that he can tell. But it’s a familiar, Phil-ish scent, anyhow. “She seemed like a bitch,” Dan supplies. 

Phil pushes Dan away, furiously wiping at his tears, and Dan immediately regrets his words. “She wasn’t, though,” he says. “She was perfect. God, she was so perfect.” 

“Then what happened?” 

With a deep breath, Phil slumps sideways against the wall, away from Dan. It takes him a while to find the nerve to speak, or maybe just to find the right words. “She knew there was something up,” he says. Dan listens close. “It pissed her off that I never introduced her to you, or even told you she existed.” 

Dan swallows, now. 

“And like, yeah. She was right. You were always… yeah.” 

Dan waits for Phil to elaborate, but he doesn’t, so, “Always what?”

Phil sighs and hides his face. His voice comes out muffled. “Always an option.” 

“An option for what?”

“I always thought…”

After another long pause Dan dares to roll his eyes. “Phil, please just spit it out.”

“You were a backup plan, okay?” Phil snaps, eyes flaring as he looks up at Dan. “Not even that, though. I always low-key wanted you but I knew you didn’t want that, so I told myself you were a backup plan. Like, if things didn’t work out, I could always give you a try. And I know that wasn’t fair to you because I didn’t give you a say in it at all, but it’s just what I’ve always thought, okay? And then today,” he barely stops for a breath, and Dan just stares at him, completely dumbfounded, “today Sarah finally asked me why I won’t tell her I love you, because she told it to me a couple of months ago and I couldn’t say it back, right? So she asked me and I looked at her and I tried to say it—” he’s full on crying, now, “—I did, I tried to say it, but all I could get out was that I—” he freezes, or more likely chokes, “—that I love you.” 

Dan thinks to himself that this is the thing, the thing he’s been waiting for, and now he knows how Phil feels so he can act, now. Everything is in its place and its time. 

So he leans forward and he kisses Phil, hard, all salty tears and chapped lips, and Phil’s skin is a few degrees cooler than his and he likes the way that feels. He puts his thumb and forefinger against Phil’s chin and holds him there, cool and salty and chapped and Phil. 

And then he’s sprawled on his back, his head cracking against the floor. He sits up slowly, confused, and rubs the back of his head. Phil is crying again and he’s covering his mouth with his hand.

“Why would you do that?” Phil asks. 

“Because you love me?” Dan asks.

“I just broke up with my girlfriend,” Phil cries. 

“Oh yeah,” Dan says.

**Three**

_They sit together for another five minutes or so, the silence punctuated by Phil’s occasional gasps and sobs, before Dan gets up to make a pot of tea._

Phil retreats to the couch, then. Dan takes a deep breath and brings Phil a cup of the tea. Phil thanks him with a slight smile. 

It’s uncomfortable but they sit together and sip, quietly. Phil suggests they watch something, so they turn on the television. 

They fall asleep on the couch, mere inches separating them.

The next morning Dan wakes up before Phil, washes their mugs, and then makes them both breakfast. He cleans up afterwards. He waits for Phil to make a move, and, a few days later, Phil does just that. 

They kiss, sweet this time. 

Lips are soft, cheeks are dry, skin is warm. Phil caresses Dan’s neck and Dan smiles into the kiss. It’s nice. They do it often, now. 

_They sit together for another five minutes or so, the silence punctuated by Phil’s occasional gasps and sobs, before Dan gets up to make a pot of tea._

Phil retreats to his room, then. Dan makes Phil a cup of tea but doesn’t take it to him. He doesn’t sleep all night. 

Phil doesn’t leave his room until the morning. 

Phil doesn’t know how to bring up the night before, and Dan is sleepy, anxious, passive. 

They don’t talk about it.

Days go by.

Weeks go by. 

Dan sees his half-packed suitcase and spends the night finishing the task.

**Four**

_He leaves the next morning, without saying goodbye._

They meet again. 

_He leaves the next morning, without saying goodbye._

They don’t meet again. 

**Five**

_And that’s okay._

_Phil brings a girl home_ and her name is Sarah and she’s pretty and blonde and small and basically everything that Dan is not and Dan feels like doing a lot of terrible things, but instead he starts to pack his bags. He wonders if he should tell Phil what’s up or if he should just leave. 

He just leaves. 

_And that’s not okay._

_Dan Howell likes Phil Lester a lot,_ but he doesn’t bother trying to reach out to him on Twitter because Phil has lots of followers and there’s no possible way he could ever stand out among them.

Fuck you, Dan Howell.

**Author's Note:**

> lol i've always wanted to end a fic with "f u dan howell"
> 
> my dreams are alive
> 
> pls comment with your thoughts?


End file.
